Worlds Colliding: The OTHER Friends

I’ve been thinking about the un-sung heroes in our lives: the friend of a friend.

I recently read something that mentioned the old phrase, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”  Whatever.   What we often fail to think about is that The Friend of my Friend is My Friend.

Over the years I have met some amazing friends.  My oldest friends are the ones I see rarely due to distance.  For a long time the phone, then email, and now social media are our main modes of communication.  And sometimes the random text!  I miss the road trips, the late night chats in our dorm rooms, and the group TV nights.  I miss the shenanigans!

One of the major friendship milestones is serving in their wedding party.  I have been in 7 weddings – two were for my siblings.  The other 5 were all for friends from college.  Those friends happened to have high school friends or relatives who also served in the bridal party.  These virtual strangers and I shared a special bond: the love for a dear friend and willingness to wear whatever they asked us to for one day.  The planning for these events was mostly through email (this was 1997-2001, after all).  Not only did we share a common dress and a common friendship, we were basically thrown into one of those “group projects” you get in school.  Why do people think weddings have drama?  Well, you are trying to merge the opinions of women from several different areas of a friend’s world, hopefully pulling off an awesome shower and perhaps a bachelorette event, and trying to keep all other drama away from the wedding day.  If you’ve ever had to help a bride use the restroom or work together to perfect a bustle, then you know about the bond of the bridesmaids.  The reception ends up being a dance party with your dressed-alike cohorts – the culmination of the quick friendship you formed with the bride’s other dear ones.

It’s not just bridesmaids.  Sometimes you have a friend who hosts an annual party where you meet the OTHER friends.  These are your once-or-twice a year acquaintances.  You get to catch up on the goings on in their lives and know who your friend is talking about when they want to dish on their life when you aren’t around.

Here’s why I’m thinking about those other friends, all these years after the weddings and such.  The friend of my friend is my friend:  another connection, connector, prayer-warrior, and supporter.  It’s all about the networking.

A few years ago there was a lot of magic happening in the world for adoptions.  I had a very specific and focused prayer list for some people who wanted to be parents.  I remember thinking about them so much because I had just had a third child and was likely done.  My family was growing and I wanted so much for those struggling to start theirs.  I can’t take the credit, but a lot of miracles happened within a few months and four friends became adoptive parents.  Two of those on the list were friends of friends (One shared a bridesmaid bond, the other many BBQs).

Over the years I have prayed a lot for those in the “extended” friendships.  Because my friend cares about them, I sometimes hear about the health struggles, the job searches, the sadness, and the happiness of these friends.  My friend has a special role to fill for them: support and strength.  That’s when my role is to support my friend and pray for their friend.  Do you follow?

These extended friendships are also important to me especially now that I am so far away.  Instead of being sad that the OTHER friend gets more real-life time, I am so grateful that my friend has them in their life.

I cry as I write this because I’m reminded of the recent struggles that I could not be present for: divorce, dealing with the loss of a spouse, loss of a friend or family member.  I know the capabilities of the other friends and how deeply they care for our mutual friend.  I am thankful for them and all they do for the person I hold so close to my heart.

Of course, there are joyous moments I’m not present for either.  I share in their happiness and love that there are those close to them to celebrate with.  It’s interesting that it’s the sad moments I feel worst about missing, even though it’s those times when it’s hardest to know how to help.

I just want to say THANK YOU to the friends of the friends.  I may have elevated you in my mind from acquaintance to friend-level.   I want you to know that your friend shared your story with me, and because of them, you have my prayers and support.  Thanks for being in their life, and in mine.  It never occurred to me that perhaps I had a distant prayer-chain, too.

So remember folks, when you’re down and out and leaning on your friends for support, it’s OK.  They want to help you and are likely able to stay strong for you thanks to the support of the OTHER friends.  They all toasted you at your wedding (or birthday or retirement party or birth of a child or whatever).  Cheers!

P.S.  I’d like to take a quick moment to thank that friend of a friend who let us cram into her NYU dorm room so my friends (all of whom were my own bridesmaids) and I could have a fantastic fall break during our sophomore year.  It’s one of my favorite college memories with some of my favorite people.

Just Another Manic Monday

Monday was the first official day of my unemployment.  As Mondays go, it was pretty much the definition of why Garfield hates it so much.  I cut my finger, one kid said she was sick, I made that kid get dressed anyway, we almost missed the bus, and I couldn’t find any of their jackets.  But it was a beautiful, sunny day.  It was a new day.  It was a new beginning.  I vowed to turn it around.  (And MAYBE it was nice enough out that no one needed jackets at recess.  I don’t know.)

So how did I spend the day?  Well, after all the kids were in the correct spots and seemingly happy (I totally dropped off some sweatshirts at school and saw the supposed “sick” kid come skipping down the hall to retrieve it), I went to a fitness class.  Then I came home to wash and fold three loads of laundry.  I ate lunch, got caught up on the Today show, and maybe even had an ice cream sandwich before the preschool pick-up.

I did do all that laundry in there, so one can’t say it wasn’t productive, but it did seem a bit laid back.

If I were to read a book, I think that would be a great accomplishment.  Reading is entertaining, sure, but stimulates the mind, right?  So what if I’m sitting down with a cup of tea?  That’s rejuvenating for the mind and body, right?  Does it sound like I’m looking for affirmation?

I AM!!

I’m looking to give myself the permission to relax, to read, to grow.  What I’m actually doing is wondering why my house is a mess.  I wonder why I’m so tired.  I wonder why I can’t seem to write a blog post.  There always seems to be something I should be doing instead of what I AM doing.  If I would just give myself permission to do the things I want to, the other stuff would get done in due time.

Do you struggle with this?  Is there always something you have to do?  Do you have to unload the dishwasher before you allow yourself to watch a sitcom?  Do you have to sweep the floor before you can check Facebook?  It’s a good way to keep yourself in check – and maybe you need that to give yourself that permission.  But for me it’s getting out of hand.

Much like having “noise” all the time in my head, I feel like I have to be DOING something all the time.  I don’t know what I’m trying to prove and to whom.  I don’t know when I attached how many tasks I can accomplish with how much I’m worth that day.

And really, if we don’t take the time to just BE aren’t we worthless?  I mean that in the sense that if we run ourselves down or try to multi-task too much, we end up not being able to do anything at all.  Lately I’ve been having a REALLY hard time getting life done.  I always forget to do something that’s in my constantly growing mental to-do list.  Sure, I’m getting older, but I don’t think it’s a side effect of age.  I think it’s a side effect of just the way I am.

And so the blog is finally being written because I allowed myself to go out to lunch.  I am afraid to leave my house for fear of spending money unnecessarily.  It’s a feeling that comes as a result of losing a steady paycheck.  However, I like to eat, I like to eat food that no one else in my house will eat, and pretty soon summer will be here and I won’t get such an opportunity.  It also means a nice table and no “home” distractions to prevent me from writing.  The dishes will still be there.  I’m pretty sure there’s laundry in the dryer that’s been there since I took care of those other three loads.  Clearly there’s no rush to take care of that, so I’m comfortable with my decision to leave it there.

So what’s next for me?  I don’t know.  You didn’t expect me to know all the answers after just one year, did you?  I’m applying for jobs, working on the resume, and networking.  I’m not in an active job hunt, which is a full-time job in itself.  I’m working on me and seeing what happens – hopefully making mindful choices and not just doing things to do them to cross them off the list.  My worth isn’t based on how many check marks are on the task list.  If I don’t start slowing down, I will forget what’s on the list anyway!

Bring the Noise

It seems to be a common trend: women can’t sleep because they can’t turn off their brain. Either they can’t get to sleep or they wake up and can’t get back to sleep.  I’m sure that you’ve been there even if it’s not a chronic event.

That happened to me today.  One of the kids crawled into my bed in the 5:00 hour and that was it.  My mind was racing with all of the events of the day.  Eventually, I decided to get up, so some work, and drink some coffee.  I never drink coffee before the bus stop.  I’m also usually a tea drinker, so I was wired!  It was a fun morning.  But I digress…

I have not been taking the time to think about my life.  I rarely take the time to really pray anymore.  There’s no meditation.  My mind is a constant “to do” list or occupied with “mindless” activity.  I like to think, I like to read, I like to pray.  I’m not doing those things.  I might be avoiding the act of mindfulness.  It’s tough to admit and was a bit hard to realize.

Where is my head?  Well, it’s making sure all of the lunches are made and the dishwasher is unloaded.  It’s task oriented.  But then there’s the distractions: the news, the Facebook, the email, more Facebook.  There’s not much room to figure out life when you aren’t allowing the time.  As for falling asleep, I’m either up watching TV into an evening of insomnia or being lulled into slumber by Jimmy Fallon or Friends reruns.

I can’t turn off my brain completely.  I still wonder what I’m going to do with my life!  Right now I’m so distracted by quitting my job.  It turns out that I was right: quitting was a HUGE undertaking.  There’s so much involved with passing on my duties to someone else.  I’m supposed to be writing detailed accounts of each activity.  I’m a person who learns by doing and I feel like the next person in my job will just have to do the same.  I understand there’s a bit of training that has to take place, and I did that today, but I totally skipped the process documentation.  I just can’t bear to do it.  You know that feeling kids get in their senior year when they just want to give up on school?  They’ve got the college acceptance letter and they just want to live it up?  You know – senioritis.  I sort of feel like that right now.  I suppose it’s ok, since I never actually went through that phase as a senior.  I was too much of a rule follower for that sort of thing.

My recent vacation was full of noise.  We survived a Spring Break trip to Disneyland.  My family was the main source of the noise.  The crowds were, no doubt, loud.  But even when there were no rides, no lines, no kids, there was always music.  It was the same music, over and over.  We ate a meal by the Star Wars ride and listened to the dramatic swells of some John Williams tunes.  Our hotel had the instrumental “Jungle Book” songs piped throughout the courtyard and lobby.   The early morning trek to the Park entrance was filled with Disney-themed songs.  And even this non-Disney-fanatic had to sing every word, even if the song was missing the lyrics.  I need a quiet vacation to recover.  “A Recover & Discover Vacation.”  Just don’t send me to one of those monastery-type places where you sit on a hill and don’t talk to the other guests.  I think that happened in “Mad Men” and one of the few new “Muppets” episodes that I saw.

There’s a lot of noise in my life.  The tasks, the distractions, the kids.  Mostly the kids.  I could turn off the TV and shut down Facebook.  I could take a yoga class and make some time for me.  I’m certainly not finding anything in the noise.   I don’t know what I’m afraid to find in the quiet.

Let’s Go Fly a Kite

I recently saw a stage production of Mary Poppins.  There are so many lessons here.

First off, let’s talk about how the movie is different from the stage production.  And let’s talk about how I saw the movie again a few years ago and suddenly it felt “off” to me.  I can’t quite figure out why.  I think that somehow Mary was not the same person she was to me as a child.  She’s quite complex.  And don’t even get me started on how Saving Mr. Banks puts a whole new spin on how you view the Mary Poppins movie.  No matter what, though, Dick Van Dyke will help you put on a happy face.  Wait…wrong movie reference.

I would hope that you are familiar with the basic premise of the Mary Poppins story line (movie or stage musical), unlike my husband.  I don’t want to reveal any spoilers!  The basic plot: the Banks family has two kids, they a quirky and somewhat magical nanny, fun and lessons abound.

In the stage version, Mrs. Banks is a former actress.  Her husband works at the bank and likes to keep up appearances: order is the order of business.  He expects his wife to manage the household – but with a staff to cook, clean, and take care of the kids.  I can only speculate that Mrs. Banks is feeling unfulfilled.  She clearly loves her family and her husband.  After Act 1, I decided to re-write Mary Poppins.  Since “the best” families had a household staff, his employment outlook looked grim, and he clearly had ideas of how Mrs. Banks *should* be handling her wifely duties, perhaps it was time Mr. Banks to take the helm of the domestic decision-making.  Mrs. Banks can go back to work.  We learn in Act II how savvy a business woman she can be!  So no re-write was necessary.  But still, it’s a good twist.

In the movie, Mrs. Banks spends her time dedicated to the suffragette movement.  I like that she has a place where she finds her purpose.  But when her husband is around, she makes him *think* he’s in charge.  I suspect that she’s like a lot of women back in the day.  I imagine my grandma was a lot like her, sans the household staff, of course.

Both productions are really about families being together.  That’s the moral of the story: take time to be with your kids, don’t stop being playful.  There are also several allusions to the fact that work should be fun – Bert, the jack-of-all-trades, may seem down and out, but he’s quite happy.  The kids don’t want to clean their room, but when you sing a happy tune then “snap”, it becomes a game.

Can you see the correlation to so many of the things I’ve talked about in previous posts?  Yes we want to work, we worry about finances, we want equal rights, we want good children, we want a purposeful life…the Banks family is just like us.

In the stage version, a man comes to Mr. Banks for a loan.  He meets the Banks children and gives them each a 6-pence.  He makes sure to mention that its “worth” is not the same as it “value”.  I felt it was important to point this out, based on the title of this blog and all.  How do you spend your currency?  (I’ve asked that before.  It’s good to keep asking ourselves that question often.)

I’ve felt like both parents.  I want to be a successful, well-compensated banker.  (OK, not a banker.)  I want to be able to have fun with my kids and spend time with my family.  I want to have a cause to believe in and throw my support into it.  You know what else I want?  For over 20 years I’ve been saying that I want to break out in song at a moment’s notice and have all the people around join me in a well-choreographed routine.  And I want it to happen often.

It’s unlikely that my life will be full of spontaneous musical numbers – until I get an orchestra to follow me around, at least.  In the meantime, I’ve got my family and who-knows-what career/cause/fun to keep me busy.  Now, it’s time to stop over-thinking and just go fly a kite.  Get on out there.  Spend your currency wisely.

Time For Me to Fly

In case you missed it, I quit my job.  FINALLY!!

Where do I begin?  This was inevitable and a long time coming, so it’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment that I decided to finally cut ties. Let’s start with Valentine’s Weekend.  On Friday, February 12, I met up with my sisters-in-law and older nieces for our annual “Galentines Day” celebration.*  I had to switch cars with my husband, as the parent in charge of child transport has to be the one with the car seats, and Galentine’s Day is most definitely a child-free occasion.  My husband has a fancy car with a lot of features that I’ve never really had a chance to try and figure out.  Getting a song on the radio is hard enough.  So here I am, listening to some sort of Sirius station called “Love” on the weekend of Valentine’s Day.  Let me just tell you that the best love songs are break-up songs.  The smooth sounds of REO Speedwagon told me that it was, indeed, time for me to fly.  (Fly from my job, not my awesome husband who was taking kids to birthday parties and putting them to bed and such.)

Yes, it was time.  I wasn’t in the midst of another encounter with a difficult co-worker.  I wasn’t being under appreciated by the bosses.  (Well, only sorta.)  I was making this decision based on ME and not based on someone else.  I wasn’t in tears, I wasn’t angry.  I was a bit scared of the next step, and I still don’t know what’s next for me, but I knew that in order to move on, it was time to break up with my job.

Had I said, “Screw you guys, I quit”, I would have felt terrible and doubted my decision.  There would have been a lot of blame and so many tears and regrets.  But it just happened.

Now, I’m not going with even break.  This is a “transition,” because we’ve already discussed that I’m loyal to a fault.  We haven’t worked out all of the details, and from a conversation I had today, it looks like I’ll pass on one “job” at a time.  There seems to be a disagreement back at the office about how they are going to handle my departure: pass my duties on to current employees vs. hire someone new.  I have my own opinions, but it won’t really matter once I’m outta there, will it?  It does appear, however, that the transition will be quicker and more clean-cut than I thought.  I’m OK with that.

I’ve got a lot of questions to ask myself now.  I’ve got a lot of freedom to get those answers.  I have NO IDEA what this means from here, but I do know that you no longer have to listen to me whine about being stuck and not knowing what to do about my job.  I still have all the same questions and issues, but I’m not being held back, despite now having a lot less funds.

Prayers, job offers, volunteer opportunities, and lunch dates are all welcome.  I accept your suggestions.  I accept your invitation for coffee.

 

 

* Let’s note here that once again I have taken an idea from Amy Poehler.  I did not invent “Galentine’s Day”, but I embrace it!  Maybe credit should actually be given to Leslie Knope of Parks and Recreation.

 

 

Weird Science!

As a student of the liberal arts, I’ve kind of stayed away from science for the most part.  We can reflect on history, writings, art, music, philosophy, religion, etc…but maybe the answer lies in science!  I probably mentioned before that I should have been a math major.  Math just is – is it has answers.  Two and two will always be four.  (Dear real mathematicians:  don’t argue with me about chaos theory or whatever – this is just a blog).   When it comes to science, there’s a lot we don’t know.  There’s a lot we do know!  Some things just are, or require experimentation to see if your theory is true.

Over 10 years ago I had a conversation with a friend who determined that I needed a “catalyst” in my life.  I could be adventurous and outgoing, but I needed someone else to light the fire. I did not dispute this.  I still do not dispute this.  When I think about my craziest adventures and best trips, they were usually planned by someone else.

If you don’t remember your chemistry, a catalyst is something that makes your chemical reaction go, sometimes faster than it would on its own.  All the stuff needed for the reaction to happen is already there, but the catalyst makes it so without changing the composition.

A few months ago I wrote about how I wasn’t meant to be a Christian IN ACTION.  I had to admit that I’m a different kind of Christian.  (see “Take Me To Church” from October)  This week I decided that I had to come up with a better term than “inactive”, because it’s not true.  Then I remembered SCIENCE.

There is kinetic energy and potential energy.  (Yay Physics!)  I’ve attached this link to help us all learn the difference.

http://www.diffen.com/difference/Kinetic_Energy_vs_Potential_Energy

So basically, I’ve got a lot of potential.  My “energy” is in there, and I’m on the verge of something, but what?

Kinetic energy is really just a comparison to the energy of the things around it.  As the example in the link points out, a speeding bullet is full of kinetic energy in comparison to a person standing still.  When compared to a speeding train moving along with it, it’s got none.

Hey friends, are you always comparing yourselves with others?  Ever feel like you’re not doing enough?  Well, let science be your friend here.  You can be moving as fast as that speeding train.  The parked car might wish it had a destination in mind and compare itself to your train.  Meanwhile, your train is thinking it’s not doing enough because the jet plane is already where you want to be.  See where I’m going with this?

We’re all doing something, we’re all going somewhere.  For some of us, it’s going to take a bit longer.  That darn car has got to get out of park though and go SOMEWHERE.  Anywhere.

I could expand a lot on this analogy.  If I’m that parked car, I’ve got to just go.  I might have a map or GPS.  I might not.  I’m super-awesome at being “over-prepared and going with the flow” when it comes to road trips.  I should definitely apply that to this situation.   I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to have a list of places to visit first.  I need to stop stressing about whether or not I’ve got everything packed – you can always pick it up on the way.  So what about the cost of gas – isn’t the experience worth it?

I would like to add “analogies” to my list of skills.

Because, you know, I’ve got a back seat full of kids.  Precious cargo.  And they’ve got places to be.   I can’t go too far!  I’m sure not in a hurry for them to get their own car.  Let’s go back to science before this goes too far.  I’ll save it for my inspirational children’s book.

It’s always nice when you’ve got science there to fall back on for answers.  If I mix in some friends, faith, and family, I should be set, right?

One of the images I saw in my potential energy refresher was of a ball at the top of a hill, about to roll down.  I just need a kick in the butt.  A catalyst.  I can have all the inspiration in the world and lists of goals a mile long.  What I need is an epiphany!  Or a chance encounter!  Some random thing to come along and roll that little ball.

 

I’m not saying I’m entitled to anything.  Good things don’t just happen.  I (you) have to make it happen –   let’s be clear on that.  But, as has been overly discussed in this blog, I need to find the thing that’s “good enough” or “worthy” or whatever.  I’ll find my own catalyst if I have to. I’ll look for it in the people I meet, the strangers I help, the places I go, and the encounters I have to!  I won’t stop DOING when the opportunity presents itself.  I won’t stop living up to my “potential”, but it will be a while until I find my own currency.

The thing about energy is that it’s always there, it just changes.  Sometimes it’s kinetic, sometimes it’s potential.  I change, too.

There is no try.

 

I’m getting lots of inspiration all over the place.  At church on Sunday the sermon was all about putting yourself out there and not always getting the response you want. (I’m pretty sure I can extract part of the pastor’s words to a conversation we had.)  There were several examples of people who faced rejection countless times but kept pursuing their dreams.  The mention of Walt Disney’s name caused a collective “whoa” from the congregation.  You’ve heard the stories…I could name drop all day.

 

The difference between these go-getters and me is that they have a passion and know what they want. I know that there’s a greater purpose for me out there, but what is it?

 

I’ve become complacent.  About everything.

 

Work.  Ugh.  I continue to flip flop between thinking I’m happy and wanting a change. (If you’ve been following for a while, you REALLY know the truth about what I want to change.)  This morning I received an email that was, again, questioning what I do and why I did it.  First of all, there’s not a lot of that’s subjective about my position.  Things just ARE.  I was smart enough to stop reading after the second paragraph.  I’ll address it later.  Or maybe not at all?  Maybe it requires no response.  If I respond, the issue will just go back and forth like a really bad tennis match.  This comes after I took care of all the tax matters and thought, “Gee – it’s a good thing I’m here to take care of all of this so no one else even has to give it a second thought.”  I like being necessary, even if it’s under the radar.

Yesterday was a scheduled work day – from my home office.  It also happened to be a late start day for school and therefore a snow day for the preschool.  Thus, I had a 4-year-old at my heels all day and a complete lack of concentration.  But seriously, the kid just needed attention.  If I had shut the laptop down and made a snow fort, I would have felt guilty.  If I had locked the boy in a room with the iPad while I worked all day, I would have felt guilty.  The pro?  That I could work and not have to come up with last minute childcare.

So as I dreamed about working in a “real” office with co-workers that didn’t ask for juice every 10 minutes or require a new episode of Paw Patrol, I got a call from the school nurse asking me to pick up my daughter who had vomited before she even took off her coat.  What would have happened if I had to skip out of the office?

Friends, tell me about your workplace.  Are you able to rescue your kids from the school nurse’s office? Your job may be one that doesn’t afford that luxury.  Perhaps your employer is also a parent and gets it.  Or maybe you get the side eye from your co-workers as you run out the door.

 

Life.  (Because we’re all about work/life balance).  It could be the winter doldrums making me crave something else in my world.  But to be honest, I’m not really craving anything else.  In the moments between household chores and running my kids all over town, there are moments of nothing.  What I do with this time varies, but there are no soap operas or bon bons involved.  I will reluctantly admit that they aren’t always fruitful moments.  The worst part is that I don’t feel guilty about it, and THAT makes me feel guilty.  Are you following me?  I’ve grown comfortable in my complacency.  I’m not going to be finding my life’s passion or making any sort of impact on the world with that kind of attitude.

I just filled out the forms for next year’s preschool registration.  It doesn’t add much more kid-free time to my schedule, but it adds enough to where I dream about what I’ll so with that time.  Then I think about kindergarten and what I’ll do then.  Sure, there’s the work option.  But after the whole pick-up-sick-kid adventure I had today, you already know that struggle.  Will I finally be able to find an exercise regimen that works for me?  Is my laziness due to excuses about lack of time?  Will I just come up with MORE excuses when presented with more time?  I hope not.  While I don’t feel guilty now, I’m sure that I could.

Maybe I’ll finally get those home projects completed.  Maybe the kids will finally have baby books.  I just decided that I should give myself a list of things to accomplish and a deadline for each.  Deadlines are very motivating.

My friend sent me one of those facebook “on this day” things I tagged her in 7 years ago.  It was titled “25 Random Things” and was apparently quite popular among the facebook crowd at that time.  She brought it to my attention and asked, “Are any of these still true?” Yes.  Every single one was still the same 7 years later.  Every dream, goal, and fear was the same.  Looks like I’m awesome at not changing.

Since I wrote that I have a different home in a different state.  I have more kids and a different car.  I have seen and experienced so much.  I’ve changed, yet I’ve stayed the same.

#4 in the list:  I have never found my passion. If I did, I guess I never stuck with it.

That one hurts.  I’ve got to experience more if I’m ever going to find that passion.  That means I’m going to have to stop being complacent.  Blargh.

I need a mentor.  I need a regular work-out during a most convenient time that I won’t want to skip.  I need a change at work.   I need to be OK with snow days and sick kids.  I need to make a difference.  As a famous mentor once said, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  I’m stuck on the “Do Not” right now.

We Can Be Heroes

Yesterday I posed a question on this blog’s facebook page.  I was struggling with how to handle my feelings regarding a difficult person and was looking for insight on how others might handle the situation.

Here’s the post:

Struggling. I’m at once annoyed with someone’s attitude toward me and troubled that I can’t “like” them. I wonder if it’s only my perception or if they truly want to knock me down? I find it hard to believe that anyone would be that malicious. I’m not naive enough to believe that everyone’s intentions are always good, but I am familiar with this person enough to know they have nice qualities. Hmmm… So here’s my question, friends: do you ignore the jabs and move on, and if so, how do YOU do it? After all, it’s probably not just in my head.

 

I received some great responses!  I’ll tell you how it played out:

The issue was work-related and something I’ve mentioned previously in the blog.  The specifics are kind of boring.  I received an email that, in my mind, questioned how I do my job.  And it wasn’t the first time.  I spent much of the day internalizing the problem.   Here’s a dramatization:

Co-worker: Thanks for fixing the crazy IT problem I made up* so that I can see everything now.  But now I see that you sent XYZ* to the customer.  Why did you do that if I didn’t say you could?

Me – in my imaginary response: You’re welcome, but I didn’t change anything.  You just didn’t know what you were doing and it looks like the directions I sent you might have worked, though you will never admit it.  I sent XYZ because I don’t need “permission” to do my job.

Me – My actual response:  Sure thing, but I didn’t have to change anything.  Guess it worked all along?  See attached regarding XYZ.

*Names have been changed to protect my job

The “attached” was an email that to me that requested I send the customer XYZ.  It turns out, I did get “permission”, but I didn’t know it at the time I read the email.  The response I got back was, “No, it didn’t work before.  Bob the IT guy agrees with me.” Regarding part 1 of the message.  And “My apologies” for part 2. That person may be trying to eliminate “I’m sorry” from all professional correspondence, as am I.  Is it a sincere apology?  Who knows?  Will this kind of nonsense continue where I feel demeaned and talked down to?  Most definitely.  Is it indeed all in my head?  Well, it’s hard for you, dear reader, to say because you only know my side of the story.  I tried to ask someone who knows both parties to respond honestly.  They said it’s likely not just in my head, from their perspective.  I require all the affirmation from all the people, but it looks like I will just have to rely on this ONE for now, because it feels kind of petty to try and get people on MY side.  (See the “Charlie Brown” post.)

Does it feel petty to write about it on the internet?  You bet it does!  I’m doing it anyway.  I want to tell you that I am human and I get petty once in a while.  Here’s a real-world example of how I internalize things and make everything MY problem when I just want to spew obscenities at a particular person and get some vindication.  I want to tell the world that I am capable and reliable and I don’t need to be micromanaged.  My GOAL, however, is to be cool and responsible.  I want to support everyone I encounter, professionally and otherwise.  The goal still includes being able to telling everyone that I am capable and responsible without sounding boastful.  Brene Brown talks about this very thing.  We need to be able to toot our own horn.  I’m pretty sure airing one’s grievances on the internet is not one of her tenants.  I suppose I will have to wait for Festivus.  (haha)

This is a good segue into telling you that I recently realized one of my major coping mechanisms is humor.  Humor is quite subjective, of course.  I turn into a regular comedian every time I walk into a doctor’s office.  This exchange of messages at work ended with me saying that the technology problem my coworker was experiencing was probably the result of gremlins or fairies.  I suppose that it’s how we explain away most things in my household where 80% of the people believe they exist (or wishes they did.)  Does anyone actually believe that I’m funny?  It’s not likely.  But am I able to get though a blood test without fainting?  Yes.

Now we get to the point of the rambling, as I try to do with most of these posts.  In my search for my currency, I aim to achieve those goals I mentioned.  I feel that I’ve been doing a good job so far and would really be any Human Resource Director’s dream.  I’m unlikely to even mutter a swear word, much less direct it at anyone.  I am working to be a better person, both professionally and personally.

I got a few stokes to the ego with my recent facebook post.  That’s always nice.  (I WANT ALL THE AFFIRMATIONS!)  It’s good to know that people think you’re presenting that person you want to be.

Have you read Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand?  It’s quite good.  Pretty much everyone I know has read it, but I’ll try not to spoil it for you if you haven’t.  Just know that you will feel bad for ever complaining about anything once you find out what Louis Zamperini went through.  I hadn’t thought about this book for some time, but suddenly found myself thinking about Louis’ adversary:  a man referred to as the Bird.  No matter how many people I will meet in my lifetime and how many struggles I have to get along with anyone, it will pale in great comparison to what went down between these two men.  I am certain I will never encounter anyone as malicious as the Bird.  The story makes me think about forgiveness.  Revenge crossed Louis’ mind, I’m sure, but he never acted on it.  I can’t say for certain that he forgave those who imprisoned him, but he did greet them with a smile when he returned to Japan.  The Bird was not among those he encountered.  Louis did get some closure, however, and lived a long and meaningful life.  I’m willing to bet he slept much better than the Bird.

I have used the word “nemesis” about three times.  The first was in college and I can only speculate as to why this guy hated me so much.  I am certain it was due to a major misunderstanding.  We were good friends, then we weren’t.  He tried to chuck an orange at my head from across the quad.  I’m not sure why I was singled out.  Years later we were in the same wedding party and he bought me a drink.  Bygones.  The second was a new neighbor.  Well, I was the new neighbor.  I volunteered to help plan the National Night Out event for my new neighborhood as a way to meet people and get involved.  I ran into someone who not only had strong opinions but was quite vocal in letting everyone know what she thought of mine.  And it wasn’t good.  Once again, humor came to my rescue!  The good news is that I ended up meeting someone who thought my responses were hilarious.  The encounters with the not-so-pleasant neighbor were infrequent, but I aimed to be extra-kind to her.  And I was.  She was not.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if she wasn’t so obvious in her efforts to keep me from feeling welcome in the neighborhood.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief the day I saw a “For Sale” sign go up in front of her home.  During our time together I got a sense of WHY she acted the say she did.  I was glad I remained kind, even though she could have shown the same courtesy.  After she departed I learned that I was not alone in my opinions of her (affirmation!)

The third nemesis is easy to see.  I’ve wasted too much blog space and too much thought on this person already.  We’re unlikely to go our separate ways, but I remain patient.  Will these continued issues be just the thing I need to push me into a different path?  Will my patience end up working out for me?  Is it really spite keeping me in this place?  Am I being a good example of a pleasant coworker, and more importantly, a good person?

Why in the world do I have a nemesis in the first place?  Hmmm…Clearly, I must be a super hero.  I am not up on my comic book knowledge, so I googled “Who is Supergirl’s nemesis?”  Wow.  There are a lot.  Wonder Woman has a lot, too.  I guess I’m doing OK.

As we don our capes in the name of kindness, support, and plain ol’ decency, let’s not forget to keep the momentum going when we encounter our villains of the world.   I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness but rather quite the opposite.  There’s probably a reason they are so angry or grumpy.  You never know, maybe they’ll escape the clutches of dark side in the end.

Good Question: Why Not Me?

As you might have noticed by now, I get a lot of inspiration from the books I read.  I’ve read a lot of non-fiction lately, notably from female comedians.  This started with Tina Fey’s Bossypants.  There’s been some Chelsea Handler, Judy Greer, Amy Poehler (obviously), and Mindy Kaling.

Mindy’s books have titles that I can relate to.  It makes me want to read the whole book, and I’m always glad that I did.  Today I finished Why Not Me?  It’s an excellent question and you ask it in more than one way.  She discussed this title on a recent interview with Jimmy Fallon.  Why NOT me?  Why not ME?  See the difference?

If you follow this blog regularly, you probably noticed a long hiatus.  Someone approached me recently and asked why I had taken a break from writing.  The someone was a member of the clergy, so I had to be honest in my answer.  (I would have been honest anyway, but I really did pause to think about the REAL reason.)  The conversation took place just a week or so before Christmas, so it would seem obvious that I was super-busy with all the holiday preparations and such (gifts, parties, etc.) as well as end-of-the-year loose ends at work, before break school matters, holiday programs and recitals.  But really I was just feeling defeated.  I had ideas floating around of things to write about, but the blog seemed to be heading in a new direction that I wasn’t sure I wanted to take.  The last post took me so long to write – after I had deleted a post – because the tone was all wrong and it haunted me until I took it down.  The person asked if I got negative feedback and if that’s what bothered me.  Nope: it was all just me.

I knew I’d get back here at some point.  I didn’t want it to be my New Year’s Resolution because that was too cliché.  I didn’t know that I’d be finishing Why Not Me? on New Year’s Eve.  On the surface she just seems like an “everyday woman” who happens to have her own TV show and some best-selling books.  (OhMiGosh…that sounds so ordinary.  What an extraordinary accomplishment!)  Anyway, I am spiteful enough to say that this chic – who has a fancy life and amazing opportunities with a stylist and a super wardrobe – is too young to know what life is all about.  The advice she doles out is not worthy of my admiration.  But holy-moly this woman gets it.  I can’t be spiteful.  Her admiration is earned.  She doesn’t have to juggle the husband and kids in her schedule, but gosh darn it she works hard.  She might like to have that husband/kid thing going on, and it could still happen.  I don’t want to give all her advice away here because she’s trying to sell her book and all.  Her words are at once obvious and inspiring.  She says it at least three times: work hard and THEN you are entitled to the rewards.  When it’s not literally written out for the reader, it’s implied in her anecdotes.  And in that American Express commercial.

I wasn’t writing anything and I was very aware of it.  I tried to keep momentum by using the Facebook page as a place of support and encouragement.  I was not productive in the search for my own path – am I still trying to find my place?  Am I trying to find a career or a hobby?  What exactly IS my goal?

I’ll tell you what I HAVE been doing.  I have been admitting what isn’t my currency.  Out loud.  To actual people.  I have also been actively trying to live graciously.  I’ve volunteered my time and talents.  I’ve been hyper-aware of others and TRYING to be selfless.  It was like an episode of “My Name is Earl” as I ended up some free ride passes at a local amusement park and even a free shirt.  Was is so-called “karma”?  Coincidence?  It doesn’t matter, because it made me feel good and I liked being able to show my kids concrete examples of positive outcomes when we are kind.

I have a friend who owns her own business and has been an inspiration for this blog.  She doesn’t know it.  I recently learned that she was having a tough time retaining patrons for her business.  You know that I can’t hear this and feel obligated to fix the situation.  The problem is that the business is in a town where I don’t know anyone.  I happened to overhear a conversation where someone said they were visiting that very town over the holidays.  I emailed the person and wouldn’t you know it, they have the in with just the right demographic.  Both friends had met each other previously (through me?) and now I can’t wait to see the magic happen!  I’m am praying that this connection works out – not just for bragging rights or proof that I AM a connection-maker, but for the success of the business.

So that wasn’t very hard work.  It turns out, kindness isn’t THAT hard, either.  Sometimes it takes extra effort.  (I did make some Christmas miracles happen, but that extra trip to Target and the post office pick-ups weren’t so bad).  I’m doing OK with the kindness, support, and connections.  Is that where I’m stuck?  Is THAT the direction Finding Your Currency is taking and should I just stay with it?  I admit, I do like it.  I just want to make sure it’s enough.

It’s been enough for me during the writing hiatus.  I just worry that maybe I’m afraid of working hard.  I’m still wondering how the family and kids are factoring into this – or how much they should factor into it.  Mindy writes on page 219 the paradox of hard work – as kids we’re told it’s a good thing, but “for adults, it suddenly becomes the worst thing in the world.”  I have to say that I thought about Sheryl Sandberg as I read Kaling’s book when she discussed the idea of the “workaholic”, especially when she discussed how the word is villainous for a parent.  Can we be hard working and not a “workaholic”?  Finding that balance is surely a challenge.  I’m sure you know that already.  If you don’t, you can read about 10000 articles on the internet about it.

What sort of work is worth it?  It’s not worth it to sacrifice your family, but worth it to work hard and make the balance one you WANT to try and have?  I suppose that’s what I’m still searching for.  I’m not working hard to find it.  I’m still waiting for it to come to me as I provide that support and encouragement for those who are figuring it out.  And I’m working at being kind.  Basically, it sounds like I’m in the same place as I was in May when this started, but I’m more well-read and more aware.

I can ask myself: why not me?  Well, maybe because I don’t know what I’m willing to work hard for yet.  Because the answers haven’t fallen into my lap like I want them to – and I’m not entitled to them.  Ouch.  But hey – I haven’t given up.  Neither should you.

You’re Gonna Love Me! aka “Being Charlie Brown”.

I’m going to share one of the many memes that I’ve scrolled by on my social media wall (and lately I’ve seen a lot with this theme):

This makes a lot of sense, right?  You’ve probably seen a lot of them with a similar sentiment.  It seems like a good way to accept who you are (part of finding your currency and owning it) and move on positively.  I joke about needing to be liked by everyone.  They say there’s truth in every joke.

The reason I point it out is this:  I have a problem with a blanket statement like “not everyone is going to like you, so let it be.”  Maybe someone isn’t going to like you in that moment.  Opinions will clash.  I’m not telling you to keep toxic people in your life.  I’m not telling you to like everyone.  And (ouch!) not everyone is going to like you all the time.  I’m saying that sometimes people need support.  They might need someone on their side when they aren’t present to defend themselves.  They might just need you to keep an open mind and listen to them.  Maybe they just need to know you don’t dislike them!  It’s about how it fits in the themes of MY currency (that I’m still searching for) and my thoughts on how we can support others.  It’s just something that’s been on my mind lately and needed to get out.

I’m a bit of a Peanuts fan.   Actually, I’m a lot of a Peanuts fan.  I have been forever – long before there was a whole section of Peanuts merchandise at Target.  (Shut up and take my money, Target!)  Did you see the trailer for the Peanuts movie that comes out on Friday?  There’s an old film reel with Charles Schultz doing a voice over about Charlie Brown:  “We all need reassurance that some people really do like us.”

Yes, I’ve felt like Charlie Brown.  Isn’t is funny that when we feel like that we don’t think anyone else does?  What do you mean, Mr. Schultz?  EVERYBODY feels like that?  Huh.  It pains me to think that Violet made two lists for the Halloween party: people to invite and people NOT to invite, and Lucy says that Charlie Brown must have been put on the “invite” list by mistake.  So sad!!

A bit of irony: I recently had a “Great Pumpkin” themed party and did not invite everyone, due to space concerns.  I am still feeling bad about it.

I was prompted to write this because I learned that someone else was feeling Charlie Brown-like.  It was someone I didn’t think would EVER feel like that.  It surprised me.

Here’s how it fits in our theme:  sometimes we CAN’T walk away from people who don’t seem to like us (ahem – like at work).  Sometimes people just have difficulty connecting.  I suffer from this problem.  (Don’t think I’m a fraud just because I told you I “connect” with people in the first post!!)  When I have a problem connecting, I usually take a step back.  I go through several stages of thinking when this happens:

• I go on the defensive: That’s crazy.  Why can’t we connect?  What’s wrong with this person? 
• I blame myself: Is my personality is too “east coast”.  Am I coming off as mean?  Perhaps I’m too sarcastic and people don’t get my humor?
• Blame: Clearly I’m not the problem – she is! 
• Gaining allies: Can you believe her?  You want to be my friend more than hers, right?

It seems so very “middle school”, right?  These stages are internal.  Mostly.  I am not saying that I won’t talk smack about you behind your back.  I’m flawed, after all.  And so are you – so I’m going to tell all my friends how flawed you are.

I kid, I kid!  (But remember – there’s truth in every joke!)

When I take a step back and really think about it, I can see that maybe it’s just not the right moment to connect.  We don’t always know the struggles someone is facing.  Those who appear to have it all together and are shutting you out may just not know about YOUR struggle because they are thinking about their own.  Are you following?  Just be nice.  It doesn’t cost a thing to be kind.  So instead of walking away from people who seem “hard to impress,” maybe you just need to wait.  Don’t push, don’t be fake, but maybe that struggling person will see the real you and you’ll end up with a new friend.  And a new supporter.  I write this as a “note to self”.  I’m working on this.

Now, in your best imitation of Jennifer Hudson, sing it with me:  “You, and you, and you, you’re gonna love meeeeeeeeeeeeee!”