There is no try.

 

I’m getting lots of inspiration all over the place.  At church on Sunday the sermon was all about putting yourself out there and not always getting the response you want. (I’m pretty sure I can extract part of the pastor’s words to a conversation we had.)  There were several examples of people who faced rejection countless times but kept pursuing their dreams.  The mention of Walt Disney’s name caused a collective “whoa” from the congregation.  You’ve heard the stories…I could name drop all day.

 

The difference between these go-getters and me is that they have a passion and know what they want. I know that there’s a greater purpose for me out there, but what is it?

 

I’ve become complacent.  About everything.

 

Work.  Ugh.  I continue to flip flop between thinking I’m happy and wanting a change. (If you’ve been following for a while, you REALLY know the truth about what I want to change.)  This morning I received an email that was, again, questioning what I do and why I did it.  First of all, there’s not a lot of that’s subjective about my position.  Things just ARE.  I was smart enough to stop reading after the second paragraph.  I’ll address it later.  Or maybe not at all?  Maybe it requires no response.  If I respond, the issue will just go back and forth like a really bad tennis match.  This comes after I took care of all the tax matters and thought, “Gee – it’s a good thing I’m here to take care of all of this so no one else even has to give it a second thought.”  I like being necessary, even if it’s under the radar.

Yesterday was a scheduled work day – from my home office.  It also happened to be a late start day for school and therefore a snow day for the preschool.  Thus, I had a 4-year-old at my heels all day and a complete lack of concentration.  But seriously, the kid just needed attention.  If I had shut the laptop down and made a snow fort, I would have felt guilty.  If I had locked the boy in a room with the iPad while I worked all day, I would have felt guilty.  The pro?  That I could work and not have to come up with last minute childcare.

So as I dreamed about working in a “real” office with co-workers that didn’t ask for juice every 10 minutes or require a new episode of Paw Patrol, I got a call from the school nurse asking me to pick up my daughter who had vomited before she even took off her coat.  What would have happened if I had to skip out of the office?

Friends, tell me about your workplace.  Are you able to rescue your kids from the school nurse’s office? Your job may be one that doesn’t afford that luxury.  Perhaps your employer is also a parent and gets it.  Or maybe you get the side eye from your co-workers as you run out the door.

 

Life.  (Because we’re all about work/life balance).  It could be the winter doldrums making me crave something else in my world.  But to be honest, I’m not really craving anything else.  In the moments between household chores and running my kids all over town, there are moments of nothing.  What I do with this time varies, but there are no soap operas or bon bons involved.  I will reluctantly admit that they aren’t always fruitful moments.  The worst part is that I don’t feel guilty about it, and THAT makes me feel guilty.  Are you following me?  I’ve grown comfortable in my complacency.  I’m not going to be finding my life’s passion or making any sort of impact on the world with that kind of attitude.

I just filled out the forms for next year’s preschool registration.  It doesn’t add much more kid-free time to my schedule, but it adds enough to where I dream about what I’ll so with that time.  Then I think about kindergarten and what I’ll do then.  Sure, there’s the work option.  But after the whole pick-up-sick-kid adventure I had today, you already know that struggle.  Will I finally be able to find an exercise regimen that works for me?  Is my laziness due to excuses about lack of time?  Will I just come up with MORE excuses when presented with more time?  I hope not.  While I don’t feel guilty now, I’m sure that I could.

Maybe I’ll finally get those home projects completed.  Maybe the kids will finally have baby books.  I just decided that I should give myself a list of things to accomplish and a deadline for each.  Deadlines are very motivating.

My friend sent me one of those facebook “on this day” things I tagged her in 7 years ago.  It was titled “25 Random Things” and was apparently quite popular among the facebook crowd at that time.  She brought it to my attention and asked, “Are any of these still true?” Yes.  Every single one was still the same 7 years later.  Every dream, goal, and fear was the same.  Looks like I’m awesome at not changing.

Since I wrote that I have a different home in a different state.  I have more kids and a different car.  I have seen and experienced so much.  I’ve changed, yet I’ve stayed the same.

#4 in the list:  I have never found my passion. If I did, I guess I never stuck with it.

That one hurts.  I’ve got to experience more if I’m ever going to find that passion.  That means I’m going to have to stop being complacent.  Blargh.

I need a mentor.  I need a regular work-out during a most convenient time that I won’t want to skip.  I need a change at work.   I need to be OK with snow days and sick kids.  I need to make a difference.  As a famous mentor once said, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  I’m stuck on the “Do Not” right now.